The Big Ignorant Fucker From Offaly

January 30, 2010

There are lots of things I miss about home.

From the personal (me Ma and me bed) to the specific (Tayto crisps, Denny Sausages and Marian Finucane).

But the one thing I don’t miss is the army of country bumpkins we call a Government. You think you have it bad with Boris and Gordo? Try living in a country governed by a man not so affectionately known as the Big Ignorant Fucker From Offaly (BIFFO).

With our gift of the gab we have talked ourselves into a recession. And just as we have rid ourselves of all the cash, culture and cretins that came with the Celtic Tiger, BIFFO and his army of pig-ignorant henchmen seem eager to rid us of the craic.

The shit has missed the fan and sprayed all over the electorate as the three G’s of Irish society are under attack. Grub, Gargle and GAA.

Despite our reputation as a nation of piss heads, we are cursed with some of the most ridiculous licensing laws in Europe. From blanket closing hours for clubs and pubs, to restricted access at the offie. And I thought things were bad before…

The bright sparks in Dail Eireann have divided to pull the plug on “theatre licenses” closing what few venues we had that could remain open past 02.30 am. With nowhere to get booze, and no where to get birds, those seeking solace in a fat-filled burger better think again.

BIFFO and the lads have decided to shut all the fast food joints before the clubs end. As a city full of pissed up and pissed off revellers descend on the ranks, all at the same time, the night air is set to get decidedly uglier.

The frustration and repressed anger that usually spills out on the football and hurling pitches are soon to be a thing of the past as well as the recent rioting at the Dublin-Meath match has had the GAA handing out unprecedented fines and suspensions in an effort to stamp out behavior, which they consider “unbecoming” of our national sport.

As GAA becomes more gentle and less manly all that anger that was once expressed in the stands and on the pitch will take up residency on our nations streets.

For those of you wondering why I’m waving this inebriated flag in a London blog read this

And let me remind you that we Irish were the first nation in Europe to introduce the smoking ban and happy hours.

And we can’t drink on public transport either.

You have been warned.


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